I will start my first prayer tomorrow morning. I haven't been able to sleep all night. I am tossing and turning. I am not sleepy. As the time approaches, my heart is beating fast. I am going into the presence of Allah, the Lord of the worlds. There is very little time left. The room is quiet. Everyone is sleeping. Only I am awake. I am excited. I am trembling. I am anxious. Everything comes to my mind. What if I forget everything while I am praying? What if Allah does not approve of what I recite… What will I say? Thinking about these things made me feel even worse. I was taking slow breaths. I have been longing for this moment for a long time. Finally, I will meet with Allah, I will speak, I will share my troubles, I will apologize.

I bowed for ruku. I was bowing my head to the Almighty Allah, the creator of everything. I was bowing my head, saying, "I have come to Your presence, command me, my Allah." When I rose, I was to go into prostration. When I placed my forehead on the ground, when I prostrated, when I surrendered to Allah, when I realized everything, when I knew that I was too late, I began to cry. Where was I when the believers who believe in You were prostrating? I am so ashamed, my Allah, that I have not come to Your presence until now.

I used to envy girls with headscarves. I would put on their headscarves, stand in front of the mirror, and look at myself for hours. Because I couldn't wear a headscarf, I would often cry silently for a long time in my bed at night. My tears would not stop because I couldn't savor the experience of wearing a headscarf. The headscarf was my great dream, my passion. But I knew that one day I would taste this delight, and I would say to myself, "Don't be sad! God willing, one day it will come, I will wear a headscarf, and I will be the happiest person in the world."

When I abandon myself, do not abandon me, my Allah!